This piece was originally published in the MAPP Alumni Magazine, 2017
When asked to co-lead what was originally called a Positive Parenting Roundtable Discussion, Kathryn Britton (MAPP.1) and I unanimously agreed,
“We must change that title.”
We are passionate positive psychology practitioners who bookend the trajectory of parenting (I have 4 under 8, she has two flourishing adults). What unites us across this decades-long divide is wrestling failure, guilt, and shame. Even though we know it is a misnomer, why does the term “positive” when paired with “parent” make us feel like we are failing to measure up?
Kathryn opened our discussion on Resilient Parenting: Inspiring parents to get passionate about resilience (instead of perfection) to flourish across decades with a personal note about her son’s struggle with depression. He is now thriving, but her guilt inspired a question about what she might have done to prevent it. He replied with a metaphor of the game Pachinko saying,
“You drop a coin in at the same slot but due to random small factors you can’t see it can end up on either side of the board. It wasn’t a question of well meaning or recognizing signs, just that raising a child is too complicated to approach with a plan.”
Given my personal experience as a mom who overcame the stranglehold of guilt from the accidental injury of my son, I felt deeply relieved by this exchange. Kathryn’s journey is one that I will hold onto as I lean further into the uncertainty, vulnerability, and surrender parenting requires.
Furthering my hope that I’ll survive the ominous task of raising kids with increasingly “bigger” problems was the wise and eclectic group of parents (and grandparents) who spoke of poignant personal experiences and transformation through struggle.
We might not have found the perfect term to pair with parenting (some of us are even “allergic” to “resilience”), but the general consensus is that any expert talking about parenting needs to be “real.”
Regardless, Growth Mindset, Strengths, Post-traumatic Growth, Resilience, Active Constructive Listening, Self-Compassion, Forgiveness play an important role in maintaining wellbeing across the grueling yet joy-filled decades of parenting. Positive psychology proves effective and important, but our burning question was,
“Where does the pressure to be perfect come from?”
We pointed an accusatory finger towards social media, because comparing your “real” parenting experience to a positively curated feed is NOT healthy.
Hence, our conclusion to go social media dark, which left me unconvinced during the Positive Technology’s passionate advocacy for a digital future. Now I am thinking, Maybe next year there needs to be a roundtable about how to reconcile technology and parenting?
In the meantime, we concluded that self-care that is crucial. Don’t wait for permission to take the breaks you need.
Attending the Fete after a decade as “Just Mom” was one big self-care experience that I am grateful for. I am deeply relieved knowing I am not the only positive psychology enthusiast who struggles to keep the “positive” in parenting.
Our “Real Parenting” discussion now sustains me in the trenches, for our words were transformed into powerful phrases that stick by marketing genius Donna Hemmert (MAPP. ):
Put your oxygen mask on first.
Be with your kids in the fire.
Savor in real time.
Fail forward.
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