• Alicia Assad

Moss and Sunshine

Updated: Mar 21, 2020

In the week I’ve held him, the clicking sound as he nurses has reminded me of the miracle life is. I grew a human in my womb, pushed him into existence, and he came to me knowing how to get what he needs. This is a phenomenon science cannot fully explain; it’s just pure magic.

My womb contracts and shrinks each day. The pain reminds me of labor and how hard I fought to bring him here, but the natural healing my uterus initiates brings reverence for my wise and beautiful body. She knows more than my mind ever will. I must listen to her more closely, more often.

The squeaks and grunts that wake me before he even cries tug on an invisible thread that connects us at my heart. His umbilical cord was cut and he will grow bigger. He will move further away from me. Regardless, I can always meet him in my heart; a space so swollen with love, it has the capacity to hold him forever.

His head smells like moss and sunshine. Or it’s the first pile of dirt I turn during spring planting. Maybe it’s just what I smell when I lay in the grass and stare at the sky. Have you ever done that—just relaxed in the grass and inhaled? That earthy musk is the newborn smell, but if you aren’t present, you will miss it. Sadly, the pungent smell of nature’s bounty dulls with every breath, much like his newness fades with each passing day.

And so when I first inhaled his scent, I held it in my chest for a moment longer. When I nurse him, I stare and listen. When he calls for me, I go to him and while I am bone-weary tired, I find the strength I need to nurture in my heart. Then, if I sit in my heart space long enough, I can feel the pulse of maternal love.

In my heart, we dance to a symphony of demand and surrender. Entwined so intimately, we exchange soul notes that synch into a rhythm of familiarity. In our 7 precious days together, I know him. He is mine. He’s a bundle of love, silky brown hair, blonde fuzz and piercing blue eyes.

His unexpected presence unearthed a realm of magic I didn’t see with the others, but that magic—it was always there. I’ve just finally gathered enough courage to live within it. ✨

#babytheo #postpartum#thisismotherhood