Saturday Morning Yoga
As a new mama, I needed to move away from them for self-care. I would head to the place that held ME before kids—thinking that when I was alone in a yoga studio, I would feel grounded and whole.
While a yoga studio and quiet is sacred, there are so many souls dancing around me now, it’s a rare occurrence. I’ve learned to find myself and the things I need around them. With them, I flourish.
Now I see that I AM, because of them. And I’m happy right here with my bonus boy on a yoga mat at home — the one I purchased in my early 20s at the height of my performing career in NYC. It was lonely up at the top, because I didn’t know who I was. I left it all behind in search of my authentic self and she is me, wrapped up with a 4 month old who didn’t nap long enough for a stolen 20 minute vinyasa flow. But pigeon pose is much less painful with a babe to kiss, and my scrappy nursing top paired with PJ pants the perfect attire—our space together is sacred.
When I think about my metamorphosis of self, I see how nostalgia for a time I rationally knew no longer served me was an integral part of the process, and moments of freedom from the kids survival—we cannot recreate ourselves without letting go of what was and surrender messy and bottomless before it’s solid. As we look and reach back in the free fall, it gives us a chance to be grateful for what IS in the chaos. Yes, gratitude might be the foundation of a brave new beginning.
It was not an easy journey to serenity, and surrender is something I still fight. Change makes me itch. Expansion is always messy: new babes and pups do trigger old stuff like panic and the thought, How am I going to....?
Ungracefully is how. But the point is that you do it, imperfectly, and strive to be present, “For this too shall pass.”, wisdom I first heard in a hot room on a mat all by myself. But but it took over a decade, 5 kids, and 2 puppies to understand impermanence. It’s a lesson I kindle every damn day. 🧘♀️