A Thousand Lifetimes
Updated: Mar 21, 2020
In 7 weeks, we’ve lived a thousand lifetimes. Or rather, a love this familiar, deep and ancient suggests we’ve been together a thousand lifetimes before. I can’t tell anymore where we end and the collective begins, but it’s an experience I share with moms who have held me with their wisdom and led me with their love: I am not alone ❤️.
The unity grounds me, for though I’ve walked this journey four times before, I still get scared. In the beginning, I always hold back and merely skim my toe upon the surface of vulnerability. Then, I draw in a deep breath and close my eyes before taking the deep dive into a new layer of maternal love.
By entwining with Theo, I’ve accessed a new space of reckless joy within myself. It’s a fierce, bold love that’s a decade in the making, for through loss I’ve found joy and by navigating the darkness, I’ve gathered enough courage to bask in the light he’s brought to my world.
My # 1, 2, 3 & 4 are fascinated by this and quietly watch us. I slice through the silent distance with, “I loved you this way too.” Then to a look of pleasant surprise I confirm, “Yes, in the bath, and in the sling. I held you by my heart all night long and stared at you in the daylight just like this.” I notice this exchange kindles a knowing deep within them. Theo doesn’t drive us apart, but makes our love tangible. And though I was still learning through loving them and never quite this present, the intention and rhythm was there. Fellow mamas, wherever you are on this journey and however you show up, trust it’s enough.
You need not be fully awake to nurture. But by following the love they demand, you just might find all you’ve been looking for. At least, this was my way home, and through them all, through motherhood, I am finally whole.